Adding Real, Present-Day People to Old Movie Scripts

Paul Krugman meets Hannibal Lecter, Barack Obama stymies E.T., Ben Bernanke advises H.I. McDunnough, and more…

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The Silence of the Lambs
Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins): A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Paul Krugman (as himself): Hmmm … I didn’t realize surveys had such a large multiplier. Remind me to write about the overwhelming case for more census workers.

The Gambler
Axel Freed (James Caan): I’m not going to lose it. I’m going to gamble it.
Jamie Dimon (as himself): Wrong either way, Ax. Repeat after me – you’re not gambling, you’re hedging.

The Color of Money
Eddie Felson (Paul Newman): Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
Ben Bernanke (as himself): If you think those are the only two choices then try hanging with me, Ed.  I’ll show you sweet!

Taxi Driver
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Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), talking to himself in mirror: You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ … you talkin’ to me? Well, I don’t see anyone else here.
Bickle’s phone and computer (in unison): Check again, Trav.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
E.T.: E.T. phone home.
Barack Obama (as himself): Not so fast, alien guy. You’d better hook up that phone thing to our network first.

Liar, Liar
Cop: Why don’t we just take it from the top?
Fletcher Reede (Jim Carrey): Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No … I trolled comment threads and bought embarrassing stuff on eBay.

Apocalypse Now
Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall): Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.
Paul Krugman (as himself): And just think of the added environmental clean-up costs! It’s hard to find an expense that keeps the stimulus flowing for years and years.

Jaws
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Police Chief Martin Brody (Roy Scheider), aiming his rifle at an oxygen tank lodged in the shark’s mouth: Smile you son of a BITCH!
Eric Holder (as himself): Lower the gun, Chief Brody.
Brody: Huh?!?
Holder: New policy, Chief. We let the big fish get away.

Trading Places
Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy): Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning … which means that the people who own pork belly contracts are saying “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip! … So they’re panicking … they’re screaming “SELL! SELL!” to get out before the price keeps dropping. And then Hilsenrath hits the tape and the price shoots right back up. They called it a put and swore not to scream “SELL!” again.

Escape from New York (no dialog changes necessary)
The Duke (Isaac Hayes in the original, replaced by Lloyd Blankfein in our version): What did I teach you?
President (Donald Pleasance in the original, replaced by Barack Obama in our version): You are the… Duke of New… New York. You’re A-Number One.
The Duke: I can’t hear you!
President: You… You are the Duke of New York! You’re A-Number One!

Animal House
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Bluto (John Belushi): What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
Paul Krugman (as himself): No, man, that was just the beginning of America’s great fiscal stimulus experiment. We über-Keynesians know that wars are the quickest route to full employment. Wait, did you say Germans?

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers (Mike Myers): Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh?
Congressperson (any Congressperson): Now, by “pay,” you mean more campaign contributions, right?

The Crying Game
Fergus (Stephen Rea), on his way out after discovering Dil’s little secret: I’m sorry.
Dil (Jaye Davidson in the original, replaced by the aptly-named Jean-Claude Juncker in our version): When it becomes serious, you have to lie.

Ghostbusters
Dr. Raymond Stantz (Dan Aykroyd): You don’t know what it’s like out there. I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.
Timothy Geithner (as himself): I know, I know, I worked for the private sector, too. Well, indirectly I mean, but those Goldman and Citi execs expected results and I delivered.

Field of Dreams
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The Voice: If you build it, he will come.
Paul Krugman (as himself): But it doesn’t really matter if he comes or not. The important thing isn’t the success of the venture – it’s the extra dollars spent!

Titanic
Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio): I’m king of the world!
Ben Bernanke (as himself): Not exactly, Jack.

Raising Arizona
H.I. McDunnough (Nicholas Cage): Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
Ben Bernanke (as himself): My-my, H.I., you don’t know about the latest unconventional measures??? Your liquidity injections might just need a little, umm, oomph … some forward guidance and twisting should do the trick.

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